How did i get here?

by - 4:43 PM


It's been close to a year since I last posted. So here I am trying to salvage whats left of this blog. I may seem distant and quiet to some, but rest assured I've just been really caught up with a lot of things. I know it took awhile for me to get back to blogging (if anyone even cared). I'll try to keep this on the regular. Insha Allah.

Where do I even begin?
A lot has happened in the past year. I've been very distant and private about my life. Mainly because I don't think anyone would care. The people that I share my blessings with are only a handful -- I like to keep it that way. I don't feel the need to share most things but I understand the curiosity of others too. I like to keep things brief, just to stray away from the evil eyes of others I don't want to unintentionally feed those who have bad intentions.

I seek refuge in the complete words of Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala from the evil in what he has created - no harm shall affect him. Ameen.

So how did I get here?

22, Married and just recently a mother to a beautiful boy.

To be honest with you. I don't know. If you told me 2 years ago, to lay out a plan of where'd I see myself in 5 years time. This wouldn't be it. In fact, it'd be the complete opposite. I was very self-driven and loved to work on my survival. Surviving to pay my own bills, own expenses, own food and rent.  To think of it now if my perspective did not shift, I wouldn't be married nor would I even have a place to call my own to start my own family. I had to go through different degrees of heartache, pain and devastation to make it to this point in my life. If it wasn't for my parents' separation, the love from a sister, the selflessness of my husband and the support of my best friend. I wouldn't be the person I am today (as cliche as it sounds), only Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala knew how mentally damaged and traumatized I was or still am.

Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear (Qur'an, 2:286)

I almost gave up trying to see past the hurdles that were ahead. I didn't understand why. The people I thought that would have given me their utmost support were sadly caught up with their own ideology on how what and why I decided to do what I did without considering the fact that my decision was partly based on their actions towards me. Till today, I wish I could see past it.

I believe to forgive and forget comes with a decent amount of repercussions. For example, whenever you try to forgive and forget someone of their wrongdoings towards you yet they still choose to continuously damage you. It only leads you to the repercussions. You'd have to go through the endless cycle of feeling hurt, disappointment, sadness -- the list continues. It almost feels like someone is cutting deep into your heart like a gash before allowing it time to heal. Now, what's left for one to do?  What's left for one to feel about the other person? With only forgiveness in your heart -- even after being damaged multiple times you leave every bad situation to Allah. A perfect example of Tawakkul -- trusting in God's plan. 

I am only human and I always try to justify my decisions and actions against trusting what God has planned out for me. But sometimes, I find myself pondering on how do I really know if this is truly his plans for me? Am I making decisions solemnly based on my feelings or am I making this decision based on what is best for the current situation and pray that someway, somehow that the next decision would be an easier one?

Step by step, Insha Allah. 

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