The healing that aches

by - 12:09 AM

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Rough week. Down with a cold and low blood pressure. Now I'm wheezing away because I drank something with lime (which the doctor told me to stay away from when i consulted him a day before) but clearly, I've forgotten. Nevertheless, I am glad that I have fallen ill. It serves as a reminder to appreciate the blessings of health. Indeed, falling ill is a blessing in disguise.

May Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala  grant those who are ill, shifa and expiate our sins for the moments of suffering. Ameen.

I spent some time thinking about the above title. I figured that it might be a good topic to talk about. I believe most of us have felt some sort of heartache. Different degrees by different people.

Imagine this.

Being caught in a situation by which you were made to decide what has been against the possibility of what could be.

What has been: The "what has been(s) "are normally the people that you've seen growth in. The people that have proven on several occasions that they might not need you in the future. They seem to outgrow the idea of  "us" and at one point in time, the things that you used to do together all of a sudden became so individualized.

What has been loved and admired was not felt anymore and what has been defined as "us", all of a sudden became you and i.

What could be: The "what could be(s)" on the other hand are the people you find hope in. The people that have gotten you to trust them with your problems. They enjoy your company as much as you enjoy theirs and you lean towards them for comfort wherever and whenever. You assume their availability towards you is equivalent to them wanting the same thing as you do"Us"What could be doesn't seem impossible and what could be at that point in time seemed right.

So, what was worth working towards for? What has been or what could be? Every day you walked around with your heart on your sleeve. Vulnerable and indecisive. Only to decide on putting your feelings on a thread as it sways back and forth, letting the wind decide where it chooses to land on. With a glimpse of hope that whatever it lands on was the right decision and it was somehow meant to be. 

Both promising and both required tremendous effort.

Yet, both led you into heartbreak. Both led you to a point where your heart aches by which you couldn't contain. Both healed you yet both broke you. Both did it in different ways.

What has been healed you before it broke you? What has been healed you by allowing you to seek whatever is best for you? However, what broke you was the idea of having to do it alone. The loneliness that you certainly didn't want and loneliness that you certainly didn't need.

What could be healed you before it broke you? What could be healed you by providing you with the temporary comfort while you grieved? However, what broke you was the realization that it was just temporary. Nothing that you did felt like it was good enough and nothing that you did could recover what was lost.

You were still alone and only then you turn to God.

What should have been seemed so close yet too far to grasp? What should have been us against the world all of sudden became you against this cold world, all alone. What should have been lost its meaning? What should have been turned out to be something that you never intended for?

You only figured it out later after falling so deep into the well that the idea of what has been, could be and should have been wasn't meant to stay. It wasn't meant to be permanent and it was not meant to be determined on your terms. You thought it could but how could you when we are not even determined by tomorrow. It wasn't meant to be yours in the first place.

Crazy isn't it? How things could go so south. Yet whatever that aches has some sort of a healing to it. Especially for the soul. Allah is definitely Al Mu'min (المؤمن) The Guarantor. He guarantees that, if you trust him even when things don't work out it is only because he has planned something better for you.

Though I can't speak for everyone, I hope this post has some sort of relevance to it.

Looks like i'll be surviving on 4 hours of sleep. Definitely not ideal for someone who is heavily medicated and has work later on *cries a river*.

May Allah grant me strength.

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