Dear first born,

by - 6:16 PM


This post is dedicated to my first born. In the circumstance of me not being around anymore to tell you this, I hope this post finds its way to you in the future. Insha Allah. So here it goes -- in my words, this is my pregnancy and birth story of you -- Nur Muzaffar Bin Nur Muhammad Razali.

I jokingly told the people around me how you were a honeymoon baby. It was unexpectedly quick conceiving you. I was a week late for my period. Lo and behold, the pee stick proved my suspicion. Honestly, at that very moment, I didn't know what to feel. I remember feeling numb. I remember telling myself, what did I get myself into. I was just settling down as a newlywed and a month into my marriage and I was already pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I wasn't ungrateful I was just clueless.

It wasn't the easiest carrying you for 40 weeks. Being diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidum, I couldn't fully embrace the pregnancy. I was on the bed, 12 hours a day and still be tired from not being able to eat, drink or even smell the kitchen. Even taking a bath was a battle for me because being in the toilet made me feel only sicker and it was so hard trying to brush my teeth without vomiting. I was almost envious of those that were somewhat going through, "regular morning sickness".

Fast forward to the third trimester, I was eating again (more like eating a lot). I remember feeling so excited at your every movement inside of me. I loved having you react to me putting my palm on my tummy or tracing my fingers whenever you're really active. It's an unexplainable feeling of joy. I pray that anyone who has the intention to have an offspring gets to experience this.

Counting the days to your arrival felt like the longest days of my life. Your Ayah and I, were very excited to see you. During the 39th week and only being 1cm dilated. I told your ayah that i was too lazy to even head back to the clinic if you still hadn't come out after the 40th week and I would just let nature takes its course. I allowed my nesting urge to get the best of me that last week. I spent the last week cleaning and prepping the house and your room for your arrival.

I could safely say in many instances I felt like I was ready and also unready to have you. Ready because Your Ayah and I made sure that we've gotten all the necessities that we needed 2 weeks before the due date. All we were waiting for was to watch you sleep soundly in your own cot. Unready because I didn't know what to expect. Stepping into the unknown never felt scarier than your first labour -- that I can assure you. My thoughts about going through labour ranged from my pain tolerance to even death. Being scared is a definite understatement.

So, at 4am of 31/01/2018, my water bag decided to burst. Your Ayah and I had the pleasure of binge-watching Netflix series the whole week before you decided to show. Hence, that explained why both of us only had 2hours of sleep prior to the burst of my water bag (weirdest feeling ever btw, felt a pop and all of a sudden a gush of water started flowing out). Your dad sprung out of bed and I rushed to the toilet immediately. I felt only mild contractions at that point it didn't bother me one bit. Had light breakfast at home and decided to speed up the dilation process by doing some hip exercises with the yoga ball (which sadly didn't do much for me).

We went out just in time before the morning jam and reached NUH at 7am.
Checked ourselves in the delivery suite and got myself checked out however to my disappointment I was only 2cm dilated. As I wasn't in active labour yet, the doctor decided to insert the Misoprostol into my *coughs* to start my labour.

9am, I started feeling the contractions bit by bit. Painful but it wasn't something that I couldn't bare. All I was thinking about was food and keeping myself hydrated.

12pm, they allowed us to take a walk around provided we come back in 30mins as there would be lunch served to me. At that point, I realised that the real pain had only started and the pain will gradually increase.

1pm, we were sent down to my resting ward which I would be heading back to after delivery. We settled down really quickly because I felt as though the pain started to increase and the contractions were getting closer and closer. I remember alternating positions trying to find the most comfortable one, however, i preferred standing and moving around. Hoping it will help me dilate faster.

3:30pm, we slowly made our way back to the delivery suite. I had to stop every 10 steps because the pain was getting to me. We got ourselves comfortable and at 4:15pm i was given antibiotics to protect you from any possible infections as it was 12 hours since my water bag burst.

5pm, the pain worsen and i remember holding onto the bedsides whispering Rabbi yassir wa laa tu'assir rabbi tammim bil khayir, whenever i felt my contractions and this lasted till you were being delivered.

5:30pm, i decided that i needed the laughing gas because i started to lose concentration and couldn't keep it with the pain. The doctor did her checks and i was only 4cm dilated.

6:45pm, at this point we were told to head into the delivery room and i was given my delivery gown to change into. By then i was starting to feel a tremendous amount of pain. I took my time and told your ayah to make use of the shower and rinsed my legs with warm water. Hoping it will ease the pain. I was immediately given oxytocin via drip to speed things up.

8:10pm, the doctor came in and did her checks again, to my disbelief i was only 5cm. I was thinking to myself, my pain was almost unbearable and i am only at 5cm?! I was expected to deliver only in 4-5hours time (as told by the doctor) I honestly didn't know if i could pull through it. She made the decision to increase my oxytocin dosage.

9pm, i was starting to be hysterical. I allowed the pain to take over me and immediately lose concentration. I started kicking things off the bed, i started throwing my arms every single time i used the laughing gas because i was so high from it. May Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala reward my husband for his tolerance towards me. I knew i wasn't myself but i knew i wanted to push through with the pain.

10pm, i felt like i was a ticking time bomb ready to explode at this point. I got up from the bed and decided to use the laughing gas (Please do not try this). I was helpless and wanted to do anything to ease my pain but ended up passing out. Thankfully your Ayah was there to catch me but when i got up i remember screaming because i felt this weird sensation that came with the pain. I felt like i needed to release and i did, however, i could only remember seeing blood on the floor. It being my first pregnancy, i didn't know that was the sensation to push.

10:45pm, your ayah pressed the bell and i was faced down with half of my body hanging out from the bed. At this point it was too chaotic, i could barely remember anything. All i remembered was the midwife telling me i was 10cm dilated and i could push whenever i felt ready. It took me a while to get back to focus, everything was in a blur at this point. I kept saying "i couldn't,i couldn't" out loud. At this point, i just wanted you out. Your ayah was by my side, correcting my breathing techniques and overseeing everything. Alhamdulliah, his assertive demure got my attention and with 5 pushes i heard your first cry.


14 Jamadilawal 1439 (Gerhana Bulan Penuh)

31st January 2018, 11:10pm

The hours of pain i had to go through were gruesome. Till today, holding you in my arms feels so surreal. Definitely bittersweet. I think about my blessings every day. Sometimes pouring it out on this blog serves as a reminder for me. I kept a strong-will not only during the pregnancy but during the labour as well for that i am thankful and grateful to the one that kept me going.

Thank you, Allah Subhanahu wa ta`ala. Thank you for entrusting me with this duty. 

O Allah, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous. Ameen.

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